MICHAEL BOLTON PERSECUTION MUST END.
From here on out, if people harbor any negative or mixed feelings about Michael Bolton, it can only be due to the fact that they haven’t seen his awe-inspiring video for ‘Said I Loved You, But I Lied’. I’ll admit, up until that moment I only took him for a mid-nineties soccer mom’s wet dream. On occasion I’d hear his voice reverberating through the aisles at the grocery store, or ever so faintly over the speakers in JC Penney’s women’s department, or maybe coming out of a Volvo station wagon parked in front of a fabric store. Right at this moment I could continue on and give insight about the curly, long-locked warrior’s earlier days in the hard rock scene when he fronted the band Blackjack, who at one time toured with Ozzy Osbourne. We could also talk about his 1983 solo album that’s chock-full of AOR, stadium-rocking anthems. I could do all these things, but none of it matters now. Nothing could ever reach the 5-minute, 3-second peak of brilliance that you’re about to encounter…
Do we even need to explain?
- Horses running through flames (slo-mo)
- Inspirational sunsets
- Soaring hawks
- His JC Penney trench coat
- A woman harnessed by Bolton-seduction
- Singing on the edge of a cliff
- Denim ON Denim
- Breathtaking aerial views
- Wearing a leather vest inside a canyon
- Lethal combination of chest hair + long, curly, golden locks
This guy just GETS IT. It’s times like these that I’m reminded of when the Tri-Lams overtook the Alpha Betas back at Atoms College. The previously all-black fraternity, Lambda Lambda Lambda, stood up and altered their ways to support the helpless nerds. We need to wake up, because no one will ever really be free until Michael Bolton persecution ends.